Sunday Mortal Locks: Week Eleven

Posted: November 17, 2013 in Uncategorized

ImageNew York Jets (5-4) AT Buffalo Bills (3-7)

– The Jets, who skipped individual team meetings last night to go to a Buffalo Dave and Buster’s, will struggle early on offense against Buffalo; much like Geno Smith’s daily battle with the English language.
– Rex Ryan, who used most of his D&B’s game tickets to buy a custom made foot massager, will regret signing Ed Reed when the safety is beat for a long touchdown by Stevie Johnson in the fourth quarter.
– Bills win, 23-17

Baltimore Ravens (4-5) AT Chicago Bears (5-4)

– Joe Flacco, whose offseason megadeal is quickly becoming the symbol for overspending on above-average quarterbacks, will put together the best game of his season.
– Down Goes McCown: Bears backup QB Josh McCown is going to feel the pressure and choke under it’s massive weight (and we’re not just talking about that of Haloti Ngata).
– Ravens win, 28-13

Cleveland Browns (4-5) AT Cincinnati Bengals (6-4)

– It’s the biggest game for Cleveland since 2007. Which can only mean one thing; a massive letdown for the entire city of Cleveland.
– Andy Dalton’s Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde season will continue. A week after the former TCU Horned Frog threw 3 interceptions, Dalton will toss 3 touchdowns (2 to AJ Green).
– Bengals win, 26-11

Washington Redskins (3-6) AT Philadelphia Eagles (5-5)

– In week one, LeSean McCoy absolutely torched the Redskins. It will be deja vu all over again in Philadelphia.
– Washington owner Daniel Snyder will agree to change his team’s name after the game. If only to avoid the connection between “Redskins” and the absolute spanking their butts just took on the field.
– Eagles win, 38-20

Detroit Lions (6-3) AT Pittsburgh Steelers (3-6)

– Ben Roethlisrapist, who asked for a trade last week, will rescind his demand after finding out that suspected felons are advised not to cross state lines.
– Calvin Johnson, the undisputed best wide receiver in football, will have a down day. That’s right, he’ll only catch 6 passes for 120 yards and 2 touchdowns against a mediocre Pittsburgh secondary.
– Lions win, 29-24

Atlanta Falcons (2-7) AT Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-8)

– The most disappointing team in the NFL, Atlanta owner Arthur Blank will blame his team’s loss to Tampa Bay on the declining condition of the Georgia Dome (despite the fact that the team isn’t even playing at home).
– Frankenstein’s Monster, AKA Mike Glennon, will put together the best game of his career against a very poor Atlanta secondary. That is, he won’t look like a D-III backup on Sunday.
– Buccaneers win, 24-21

Arizona Cardinals (5-4) AT Jacksonville Jaguars (1-8)

– After this game records the worst ratings since the Decatur Staleys defeated the London Silly Nannies in the 1948 Little Orphan Annie’s Ovaltine Bowl, Jacksonville owner Shad Khan (who has the name of a Mortal Kombat villain and the mustache of a Super Mario menace) announces that he’s moving the team to Los Angeles. When asked why, Khan replies that the “Jaguars are used to playing in front of small and apathetic crowds, so L.A. should be a perfect fit).
– Carson Palmer will throw an interception for the 10th consecutive game this season. With the game in Jacksonville, it will raise the question; if Carson Palmer throws an interception and no one is there to see it, is he still a crappy quarterback?
– Cardinals win, 17-10

Oakland Raiders (3-6) AT Houston Texans (2-7)

– Case Keenum (Houston) and Matt McGloin (Penn State) will face off in the battle of the backups. McGloin’s success could make him the biggest story to come out of Penn State since Joe Paterno allowed Jerry Sandusky to rape children and the entire fan base still supported him.
– With the Raiders down by 24 late in the fourth, CBS will interrupt the game with a rerun of CSI.  Viewers everywhere rejoice.
– Texans win, 34-10

San Diego Chargers (4-5) AT Miami Dolphins (4-5)

– Richie Incognito’s impact on the downfall of the Miami Dolphins is only surpassed by his impact on the structural integrity of every scale he steps on.
– San Diego RB Danny Woodhead, one of the most exciting players in the league, is mistaken for a little boy when attempting to enter Miami’s SunLife Stadium and is only allowed in after he moves his double parked Big Wheel and promises to pick up his toys before the game.
– Chargers win, 27-17

San Francisco 49ers (6-3) AT New Orleans Saints (7-2)

– San Francisco’s roster comes in fresh off a brutal loss to Carolina and with injuries mounting up. There haven’t been this many bruised and beaten black people in the SuperDome since Hurricane Katrina.
– The Saints haven’t lost at home since the Nixon administration. Which is ironic because Sean Payton, who has become as revered as Bill Belichick, is just as much of a crook as the 37th president was.
– Saints win, 30-17

Green Bay Packers (5-4) AT New York Giants (3-6)

– Eli Manning (16 interceptions) is reminded by the referees at halftime that the object of playing quarterback is to score touchdowns for your own team, not the other one.
– Green Bay QB Scott Tolzien will start the game under center and finish it in a filth filled swamp outside the Meadowlands.
– Giants win, 24-11

Minnesota Vikings (2-7) AT Seattle Seahawks (9-1)

– Who’s under center for Minnesota this week? The Vikings’ QB situation would make Abbott and Costello proud.
– Percy Harvin, who played the first four years of his career in Minneapolis, returns to the field for the first time this season against his former team. The diminutive wide receiver will make most of his impact on the sideline, which is where all of the Seahawks starters will be in the fourth quarter.
– Seahawks win, 38-3

Kansas City Chiefs (9-0) AT Denver Broncos (8-1)

– Chiefs WR Dwayne Bowe will start despite being arrested for possession of marijuana earlier this week, making him the 420th professional athlete this year to get away with a crime that any other citizen would be doing hard time for.
– Andy Reid, fresh off a week long bye week bender at Golden Corrall, will miss the second quarter after suffering from explosive diarrhea. When asked afterwards if he’d ever had that type of situation occur before, Reid responds, “did you see my coaching in the 2002, 2003, and 2008 NFC Championship games?”
– Broncos win, 24-14

New England Patriots (7-2) AT Carolina Panthers (6-3)

– Cam Newton, known as Superman to his many adoring fans, will look more like Jimmy Olsen against the Patriots’ impressive pass rush.
– Tom Brady will spend the first half of the game shocking the Panthers (who haven’t allowed a first half touchdown all season). He’ll then spend the second half milking the clock and thinking of what Giselle will be wearing that evening.
– Patriots win, 28-13


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